This website has always been open for guest columns that bring value to bowling topics of interest.

Randy Pedersen’s suicide is one of the biggest (and saddest) stories in bowling history, bringing an outpouring of emotions from the bowling community.

In the wake of Pedersen’s death, Russell Peek, a bowler and the pastor of Lutheran Church of the Epiphany in Winston Salem, N.C., contacted me, suggesting I write a story about mental health and dealing with suicide.

I suggested he write a guest column and Peek agreed.

Peek wanted to point out two things in advance:

• If you ever reach a point where you are thinking about suicide, please get help. Call or text 988 any time, day or night. Please. You do not have to go through this alone.
• If you know someone who is having thoughts of suicide, take it seriously. The National Institute of Mental Health has a helpful guide on what to do.

Dealing with suicide and grief

By PASTOR RUSSELL PEEK

The last six weeks have been hard in the bowling world. Jakob Butturff, Zach and Katie Barton, and Randy Pedersen have all died. Each death was unexpected and sent shockwaves through the bowling community.

I have never bowled at an elite level, but I am a fan. I'm also a Lutheran pastor with more than 20 years of experience in local congregations. An important and holy part of my work is being with people around the time of death. I can't say I enjoy that part of my work the way I enjoy bowling, but I am honored to be present with people in those moments.

Over the years, I've noticed that people deal with grief and loss in very different ways. There is no single right way to grieve. But I've learned this: grief is hard work, and if we don't give it the time and attention it needs, it will find its own way out, often in unhelpful and unhealthy ways. 

That can be tricky, because grief often hides in places we never expected. One moment we're fine. And then in the blink of an eye, it all comes back. This is especially true when someone dies suddenly, from an unexpected illness, a car accident, or suicide.

In my 20-plus years as a pastor, three people in the congregations I've served have died by suicide. Each was beloved in their community, and each death left a deep and lasting wound on their families, friends, and neighbors. The lives of those left behind after a suicide are forever changed. It leaves brokenness, pain, anger, grief, guilt, haunting unanswered questions, blame, and so much more. The people I know who have dealt with a loved one dying by suicide would give anything for one more moment to tell their loved one how much they were loved.

Part of my job is to speak about God, life, and the world. But try as we might to make sense of painful and sudden deaths, especially suicide, understanding often isn't possible. There are no easy answers to the “why” questions people ask. The best I can say is that something in that person's life was so painful in ways I cannot begin to imagine. 

I don't pretend to have easy answers, but I do know this: God gives us the gift of each other. We were never meant to carry our heaviest burdens alone. We need each other so that we can give and receive comfort when life falls apart. 

An important part of my work as a pastor, and in bowling, is community. There are important differences between a bowling center and a church, but at their best, both bring people together week after week.  

My hunch is that most people reading this blog have bowled in a league at some point. Even the most competitive leagues are about people coming to the bowling center to spend a few hours together. We watch people shred the rack or, after a bad break say, “Are you kidding me?!” We also share parts of our lives. That’s a gift.  We need places, spaces, and people to be in community. 

Here’s what I’m asking of everyone reading this blog: 

• Pay attention. If there’s someone who is suddenly missing or says something that’s concerning, don’t ignore it. 
• Ask. It’s OK to ask, “How are you really doing?” You can also ask hard questions about suicide if it ever gets to that point. I’ve heard some people say they don’t want to ask that question because they’re afraid it will give someone else an idea. My experience is that it doesn’t do that but can open a door. 
• Listen. Sometimes people listen to solve problems or with their own agendas, but the kind of listening I’m talking about is letting a person share what’s on their heart and mind.
• Connect. There are resources available to help people, like 988, therapists, doctors, faith communities, or trusted friends. Don’t go through this alone.    
• Be honest with yourself. If something is stirred up in you and you find yourself struggling about something because of grief, pain, or something else, don’t ignore that and find someone you trust to talk about it.